I went over to my grandmother's house today to help her go through her old photos. Looking at my book for her made her want to look at all of her other old photos. While doing this we came across some old letters also. One of these letters was written by my father in 1980. He was telling my grandmother about a "rock-a-thon" that I was in for Girl Scouts. We were doing this to raise money for some disaster that had happened. When I say rock-a-thon, I am talking about rocking in a rocking chair. He said that I made it the entire 24 hours, but that I was so tired afterwards. He ended the story by saying that I was always the one to help someone that needed help and that he was so proud of me. I was eleven years old at the time.
Growing up my father rarely praised us, well at least not that I really can remember. I wanted to cry when I read the letter because I struggle with my relationship with my father now. He is not one to express pride towards his family members. It seems that he is one that needs acceptance from those outside of the family, whereas I care more about my family than what anyone else thinks. I would really like to have a better relationship with him. I think that maybe both of us are a bit too stubborn, and not really trying to understand the other. He has not really been around since we have been visiting in Florida, when he is home he hides in his bedroom. This bothers me, but I think that maybe he realizes that I am upset with him and doesn't really say anything to us because of that. Maybe I need to be a better person and get over it. My father is an alcoholic (not an abusive one) and major smoker his entire life. I don't think that he is a bad person, just that his values are different than mine. Who knows how long he will continue to be around, and I don't want to regret things after he is gone. I think I'll pray for strength.
2 comments:
I think that people who are addicted to alcohol or nicotine -or in some cases even worse, drugs-are usually people who don't feel loved, can't find a way to express love to others or who can't themselves find peace inside. Sometimes kindness can help them open up and sometimes it may not...but the person extending the kindness will be at peace for doing so. What a priceless gift has been given to you this Christmas season by being able to read that letter from your father written so many years ago. Maybe he just had difficulty expressing his love and pride in you, but now you *know* he's had it all along. I pray for you too, that you find the strength you seek and that you can make your peace with him now that he is here. My thoughts are with you today.
Thanks for all your comments.I imagine that it will take some work for me to work things out with my father, but I hope that it is something that can be accomplished.
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